When we finally sight the land of wood and water (named Xamaica by Christopher Columbus who wrecked a ship and was stranded on the island during a second voyage) and touch down at Donald Sangster International Airport, we will be greeted by memorable heat and humidity.  But many of us will have peeled off a layer, so be mindful when you dress for the airport to have light clothes underneath.        Customs and immigration documents will be handed to you when departing our city of embarkation, Charlotte, and you'll be asked question about names, addresses, birthplaces, passport numbers, numbers of family members (if ya ain't legally married to the person ya’ sitting next to then you have to fill out cha' own documents), flight numbers, residence in Jamaica (Negril Tree House Resort, Westmoreland)

 The Jamaican customs declaration asks about what cha’ bringin' in to de’ country. Don't be too generous with yer’ informashun’ or it might cost ya'. Also, forget the stories about bringin' jeans or batteries or trinkets to trade with the natives. A fist full-o-one dollar bills should be sufficient (I budget one hundred dollars each day).

 

  We'll be welcomed by singing maidens in beautiful traditional costume and while waiting in the immigration lines you can have yer’ first sample of rum punch, courtesy of

Appleton, Jamaica's finest rum maker.  The customs officer will remind your eager self to wait behind the yellow line, then they’ll call ya’ forward, where you'll present your new passport that will be folded around your two immigration documents. Make sure you get him to stamp your passport and when you exit you'll still have the two documents.  

 

  Pass to your left or right down the stairs and avoid the money changing booth that is in front of you. Your travel bag might be circlin' one of two belts or it might be on the floor next to the belt. No problem.

 

  Wheel your high performance luggage over to one of the green customs lines that say "Nothing to Declare", which are for the tourists, not us Jamaicans who come in with everything but the sink in cardboard boxes. Your customs agent will ask you perfunctory questions about what's in your bag and you answer like a tourist, “Just vacation stuff.” Again, don't tell your life story.  

 

  You will get your customs pass back, put your new passport safely away with one stamped immigration form inserted, hand your customs form and luggage to a man in khaki with a red cap and tell him, "Tropical Tours to the Negril Tree House."  The red cap gets $2.00 minimum or a dollar a bag.    

    

out the names of the aerodrome (airport), the Grand Lido Hotel, Hedonism II, Sandals Negril, Poinciana (where we scuba), the Mahogany Inn (where we stayed the first few trips), the soccer field, Cosmo's Beach Bar, Swept Away and finally we'll turn into the driveway of the Tree House Resort (Slow, Sleeping Policeman).    

      

  It might be late in the afternoon when we settle into our rooms (and what lovely rooms they are), but don't let your shower prevent you from catching your first Negril sunset. It is a religious experience that will put you in the mood to enjoy the rest of your vacation. After the sun goes down, prepare your legs and arms for the attack of the sand fleas (no-see-ums). If you get bitten, no problem, press an ice cube on the bite and in a minute or two it's history. The evening meal is at your leisure upstairs in the restaurant, where you'll see the tree, you can dine under the stars and swim in the pool or the ocean after your meal.    

    

        

 I'm a lover of first light. Many of us rise to nature's call that early anyway so just slip on you suit and beach shoes (Aqua Sox by Nike or sandals by Teva) and go check the beach.  At dawn the staff beach attendant will be raking up from the day before; he's greeted with a hardy "Good morning, Sir" and the beach is all your own.  

  

  The phenomenon of water so calm that it looks like acres of glass are a result of the reefs that are a mile off shore.  The reefs break the waves, slow the surf speed and keep out large predators (shark and barracuda are not abundant in the area anyway).    

    

  If I find the waters suitably calm (sands settle and underwater visabilities are tremendous) I awaken my companion for a morning snorkel. Although there's not much to see close to shore (sea stars, urchin, mud rays, puffer, small fish, sea grasses, jelly fish) having the whole thing to myself is a very special feeling. Expect to encounter an early jogger or beach walker, a local heading up to work, a  

fisherman in a hand carved boat who's been out hours before the daylight bringin’ in your lunch. Everyone gets greeted with a hardy "Good morning, Sir." (King's English).

 

  By 9-10 AM, the beach chairs are loaded and the ski and parasail boats are chopping up water. Scuba enthusiasts can beat it down to a dive operation that has a 9:30 and 11 am departure for a two tank dive. You must be a certified diver with  C card in hand and expect to spend $30.00 to $50.00 per dive (plus tip). Tanks and weight are included in your dive fees, legal limits in Jamaica are 110 feet. If you're happy just to snorkel, buy your own mask, fins and accessories from one of the dive centers because most rental gear in Negril is junk.    

    

  I, along with the people of Jamaica, own the beach in Negril. Five miles of our beach runs from downtown Negril to Hedonism Point, a mile of sand circles, Booby Cay and Bloody Bay (named after ancient whale slaughter) has another mile of fine white sand.  Because it is my God-given beach, no one tells me what to wear or what not to wear. And if someone other than the Negril constabulary attempts to tell me what I need to wear on my beach, they get a very firm announcement about what I think my God-given rights to my beach are. This might take some practice.    

    

  The Tree House beach is not large in comparison to the guest capacity of the resort and storms have severely eroded sand in years past. Topless bathing is practiced by both sexes, completed nudity is an activity generally reserved for infants and toddlers. But if you want to enjoy no tan lines bathing, I have some private spots away from the prude beaches that I’ll gladly share, no problem. For me, it’s about freedom.

     

  Our plentiful sun has no mercy on unprotected skin (you think African- Americans don't burn?)  Sunscreen products are a must, dive centers sell a product called Bullfrog that keeps me safe.  But don't come to Jamaica hopping to return with the perfect tan in seven days.  What's another word for ill-advised?  Keep your skin moist at all times but I don’t recommend coconut tanning oils!    

    

  Burns will occur despite the best efforts at protection (forgot about the tops of yer’ ears and lips, didn't cha?)  That's why Jah and Jimmie Jackson, our host, created ice. An ice pack can be made out of a plastic bag and washcloth. Remember that a first degree sunburn is a inflammation and reddening of your epidermal skin layer, a second degree burn is a blistering of that layer and what better way is there of controlling an inflammation than with an ice pack?  Many folks go to the boutique for ointment for relief, but I have never been a fan of putting a chemical concoction (read the label) on inflamed skin. My pas girlfriends have a great source of amusement with my addiction to ice therapy. Makes sense to me!    

    

  One last word about the sun; we're all friends and if your see someone starting to get lobster butt on the beach (one does not want blisters on their seat), please bring it to their attention what is occurring and advise them to seek shade and ice. If they don't respond, you've done the best you can and you need not share their misery. Also don't think that cloud cover is protection because ultra violet rays are still in abundance and can cause burns.

 

  When evening comes, we plan some group activities; a sunset trip up the cliffs in West End Negril to one of Jamaica top tourist attractions (and clip joints), Rick's Cafe. My favorite restaurant is Chicken Lavish on the West End Road and I like the atmosphere at the Xatabi and Kuyaba on the beach. My favorite spot for late dancing to live reggae is Alfred’s Ocean Palace.    

    

  

As for day trips I have yet to visit the Appleton Rum Estate in Mandeville, but I enjoyed Y.S. Falls and Mayfield Falls in Sav La Mar. I have ridden horses over beaten paths, toured the Black River (a great morass or wetland). Saxophonist Jeffrey Scot Wills took a solo trip into the nearby Jamaica high country (Roaring River) and heard men tap bamboo tubes on the walls of a "tuned cave" and make some of the most amazing songs that he had ever heard. He led a tour to find the place the second time and the experience wasn't nearly as nice. Next to the registration desk are tour operators licensed to serve Tree House guests. Any questions about what to do can be answered by me or a lion of a dreadlocks named Trevor, who is one of the managers of the hotel.

 

 

  A note on illnesses; Please don't get too sick. Avoid piling on too many spicy meals just because they're tasty. If you know that you have tender

 

 

 

  

    

  

 digestion bring your own Pepto Bismol, Imodium AD or antacids. If you have tender feet bring along foot lotions, anti fungal spray and wear shoes on the beach and in the water (accidentally have an encounter with a sea urchin and your foot can swell twice its size within the hour).

 

  Bring your bug repellent for the evening, bring lotions and oils to keep skin moist and glowing (Neutregena Light Sesame Body Oil is my favorite but you have to seal the bottle very well for flight). If you get sick in Jamaica, the pharmacies usually won't have what you can get cheap and plentiful at home. And rather that finding a doctor for a very sick vacationer (our run of good luck ended one year when we had a broken ankle), we instead find a cab, send you to MoBay for a flight to Miami. Be prepared for you own good health sake (we did have a foot parasite infection that struck more than ten people in 1989).  

  

  Jamaica dollars ($J) are a very beautiful currency with birds, famous faces, kids and pineapple water marks, but like monopoly money, a fist full of it is of little value. The exchange rates will likely be close to forty to one ($J65=$US1) so a $US20.00 meal will cost $J1300.  When was the last time you paid a thousand dollars for dinner?  

 

    My advise is to start saving dollar bills ($1.00) in a shoe box for the trip. If you make the trip only carrying twenties, every time you get change for a purchase, it will come back in a pile of the prettiest monopoly bills you've every seen. Exchange mistakes will not be in your favor, so to prevent that, carry the smallest bills you can in the currency that you're already versed in, U.S.    

    

  I'm not a natural born shopper, so my monies usually go for carfare, meals, beverages, tips for service, a few bucks to help a friend (and I have so many friends) and greasing skids to keep the good vibes flowing. I like to budget $100 per day for all of the above.    

     

  I know that I need to take gifts back to friends, so I purchase them from local vendors, the Tree House Boutique on the day before I leave or at Sangster Airport after I've paid departure taxes ($US 27.50).  Don't feel pressured to buy any item by a beach vendor, because you might see the same item at a better value again.

 

  Here’s some recommended patois to get rid of aggressive vendors "Your stuff's very nice mon’, and before I leave I wanta' look at it again, but I'm not buying right now. Thank you!” “I'm taking my walk down the beach right now Ma'am, I'll look at you stuff another time, but right now I have to finish my walk. Thank you." and remember to look people in the eyes. First World people need to learn how to do that more effectively to avoid misunderstanding and hard feelings.    

    

 

  When you leave paradise, the bus to the airport sometimes comes right on time, sometimes late a half hour.  No problem (if the driver of the bus warrants good service, a gratuity is appropriate)!  At Sangster Airport red caps will hustle their work, Jamaican airline personnel will assist your boarding and baggage handling (I hope you have room to close your bag on your gift treasures).  And tipping is a good thing with the one dollar bills that you still have left.

  And you must also purchase a departure tax stamp ($27.50 US) before leaving Jamaica. You'll show tickets to Gate Security, pass through metal detectors, you'll pull out your departure tax receipt, passport and immigration card for uniformed inspectors and then be pushed into a huge waiting room with hundreds of other victims of vacation exhaustion. The gate announcements are nearly impossible to hear, I've missed two flights home in my first seventeen attempts at leaving. Intuition and luck guide you to your airline's boarding call, with one last inspection before entering the plane (be ready to open your carry-on baggage).    

    

  When you land at the Charlotte Airport’s International Concourse, the exit ramp directs you to a U.S. Customs and Immigration area where a procedure of passport checking and baggage examination will be executed for the final time (let’s hope). The immigration forms will have been completed on the arrival and the forms will list items brought from Jamaica as gifts, totaling less than $400.00.  You will find your bags on the carousel, the you’ll wait in a customs & agriculture line (reminding you that fruits, foods and plants aren't to be imported), your bag will be rechecked to another line at the exit point and the you'll have a long trek to the  plane’s departure gate for your home city.

There, wasn't that easy?  I hope one week in Negril, Jamaica is just tempting enough that you'll want more and more and more.